Blozor

I randomly got this text on my cell phone a couple of hours ago.

"Mercedes im go need your black ass to go in suck a dick hoe in we did not get check you did hoe"

Any interpretations?

I've known for years that Roger Daltry has almost completely lost his voice, but watching him try is just sad.

Just listen to this and tell me it isn't comically erotic after a while.

They were talking about the Toyota recalls on the news last night when the reporter came up with this statement:

"When you press down on the brake pedal, you don't feel anything. It's as if the brakes aren't even touching the ground."

I bet everyone in the newsroom simultaneously facepalmed.

Ignore the cheesy effects and acting. The encounters with Zorg and the Space Council are hilarious.

The remake of this will hit theaters only three years after the original movie hit theaters. Hollywood has officially run completely out of ideas.

I made this for my wall, only bigger.

http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2008/06/12/1212863783995.html

I hate to think of a world where people can just use a dictionary to define words.

What's the greatest threat to our children's education? Is it bullies? Pedophiles? Pop quizzes? Bears? No, it's the dictionary.

Seriously.

Sil Vous.



Sil Vous plait.



Plait Vous plait.

Paige: Cat, don't eat that piece of paper!
Me: Won't hurt him.
Paige: That doesn't mean he should eat it.
Me: He's a cat, not a genius.
Paige: That's why he needs me to tell him things.

I am consistently amused whenever I see the commercial where the people actually get away with repeatedly saying "ass effects" on national television.

And the sign says "Long-haired freaky people need not apply"
So I put my hair up under my hat and I went in to ask him why
I said, "Hey! What gives you the right?
To put up a fence and keep me out, or to keep Mother Nature in?"
He said, "What the hell are you talking about? Get out of my store!"

What I wouldn't give to find a soulmate
Someone else to catch this drift
And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred

Freaky Chicken From Hell
This is about the scariest looking bird ever, when you consider that the eyes are staring exactly 180­° apart from each other and the mouth curls down into a disapproving frown. If this were a real bird, its call would be the ghastly baritone wail of the dead. I got it to scare small children, but what is this thing actually used for? What is the purpose of the five linear holes along the inside of its mouth? Is it some sort of seasoning dispenser? Do you cram a rainbow bulb up its butt and shoot a laser light show out of its mouth? Do you place it on a shelf in your child's room and delight as it invades his nightmares?


Freaky Chicken of Unknown Purpose or Origin: $0.99

They Need Each Other
They say there's a perfect match for everyone, so if you're a girl with a lazy eye maybe you'll meet a guy with an implausibly botched Lasik surgery, too.


We Need Each Other & Other Consequences of Inbreeding: $0.50

I know a lot of people have been incredibly busy with their poverty and all, so if you haven't gotten around to making any New Year's resolutions for 2010, here as always are some top-notch last-minute ideas.

— Realize you need to make a bunch of resolutions by December 31st, FUCK!!
— Counter the weather through last minute shopping.
— Jump up, jump up, and get down.
— Overthrow the Overlord.
— Lose density.
— Campaign against the inhumane treatment of beets.
— Disrespect Aretha Franklin.
— Thwart.
— Eat a starving child.
— Be a cat.
— Travel from the future.
— Donate $3 a day to feed a starving child three meals from the McDonald's dollar menu.
— Insurrect.
— Look deep into your own soul to find the darkest, most evil part of yourself, then give it a hug so it will feel like a colossal jerk.
— Wake the dead.
— Ferment.
— Donate your body to science before you die; reap the benefits.
— Incorrect.
— Make sure you film it.
— Fragment.
— Donate your body to porn.
— Resurrect.
— Speak only in imperative sentences for an entire year.
— Write a slash fiction between a backslash and a forward slash.
— Document.
— Continue donating to Wikipedia until Jimmy Wales begs you to please stop.
— Don't drink and drive your car. Don't get breathalyzed. Don't lose your head.
— Erupt.
— Pass a health care bill by the end of 2010.

My coworker has been listening to a radio station that has, for the past month, played nothing but Christmas music. Christmas music, when taken in small doses, can be quite enjoyable, but when you hear nothing but it for eight hours a day, every day, for an entire month, it can be a little more than tiring. Especially when you consider that there are only probably less than thirty popular Christmas songs, so you get a lot of the same song over and over again, just in different versions. So in true holiday spirit, I present you with the most annoying Christmas songs ever.

Here Comes Santa Claus
That line "Right down Santa Claus Lane" has always bothered me. Where the fuck is Santa Claus Lane, and why do only those houses get a visit from Santa? Why does Santa Claus need a special lane, anyway? He flies and lands on rooftops. Let's name a street Santa Claus Lane and see how many children gather to get run over by reindeer.

I'll Be Home For Christmas
At first, you think, "Aww, this is a nice, heartwarming song about someone assuring his loved ones that he'll be home for Christmas." Until you get to the last line: "If only in my dreams." Wait, what? That's not heartwarming at all! That's sad, you assholes!

Little Drummer Boy
This is the story of a young boy who went to visit the Baby Jesus but had no gift to give except the playing of his drum, which made the Baby Jesus smile upon him with favor. Okay, I know Jesus was the Son of God and all, but at the time, He was also just a baby. The Baby Jesus would have probably smiled just as easily if you dangled some car keys in front of His face. God didn't smile upon you in favor through the Baby Jesus any more than God shit the bed in your favor through the Baby Jesus. Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum. Besides, none of that song was in the Bible anyway, so none of it is considered canon.

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town (German)
There's a German version of this song somewhere, (if anyone knows of the song in question let me know and I'll change the title accordingly), where instead of leaving you a lump of coal for being bad all year, Santa will come into your room and start wailing on you like that kid from Full Metal Jacket. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Fucking Germans.

Do You Hear What I Hear?
This is a great Christmas song for paranoid stoners, conspiracy theorists, and schizophrenics. Who cares what the song is about because the only thing you ever pay attention to is "Do you hear what I hear? (Do you hear what I hear?) Do you see what I see? (Do you see what I see?) Do you know what I know? (Do you know what I know?) Do you hear what I hear? (Do you hear what I hear?) Do you hear what I hear? (Do you hear what I hear?) Do you hear what I hear? (Do you hear what I hear?) Do you hear what I hear? (Do you hear what I hear?) Do you hear what I hear? (Do you hear what I hear?) Do you hear what I hear? (Do you hear what I hear?) Do you hear what I hear? (Do you hear what I hear?) Do you hear what I hear? (Do you hear what I hear?) Do you hear what I hear? (Do you hear what I hear?) Do you hear what I hear? (Do you hear what I hear?) Do you hear what I hear? (Do you hear what I hear?) Do you hear what I hear? (Do you hear what I hear?) Do you hear what I hear? (Do you hear what I hear?)"

Deck The Halls (Instrumental)
"Deck the Halls" is a great, fun Christmas song to sing until you take away the lyrics and you realize that it's the exact same melody over and over for five fucking minutes.

The Twelve Days Of Christmas (Instrumental)
Possibly the only instrumental Christmas song more annoying than "Deck the Halls (Instrumental)" is "The Twelve Days of Christmas." If you thought this song was annoyingly repetitive already, by the time you hit days eleven and twelve and you've already had to repeat that same melody upwards of 57 times, it's easy to imagine even the most balanced person devolving into a neurotic mess going, "DA dada da! DA dada da! DA dada da! DA dada da! DA dada da! DA dada da! DA dada da! DA dada da! DAdadada! DAdadada! DAdadada! DAdadada! DAdadada!"

And the number one most annoying Christmas song ever recorded is...

Happy Christmas (War Is Over)
Okay, even if my brain didn't automatically associate this song with starving children in Africa who have flies crawling around on their eyeballs, this is still probably one of the most depressing songs ever recorded. Just what I've always wanted for Christmas: guilt and despair. Thanks, hippies!

Today, FoxNews featured the following awesome headline. It is so brilliant in its ineptitude that you may want to take a moment to sit back and reflect on its futility.

"LAST MINUTE CHRISTMAS SHOPPERS MAY COUNTER WEEKEND SNOWSTORM"
There are a couple of ways this headline makes no sense. Way one is that Christmas happens to fall on a Friday this year, and pretty much everything will be closed, so no one will be last-minute Christmas shopping on Friday, which resigns the last-minute Christmas shopping to Wednesday and maybe the first half of Thursday at the latest. Wednesday and Thursday are not the weekend. Wednesday and Thursday are the middle of the week.

Anyone who waits until the weekend to do their last-minute Christmas shopping are a day or two too late. Could you imagine some poor kid waking up all excited Christmas morning, rushing to the living room to look under the tree, and to his wide-eyed, wonderous gaze meets absolutely nothing because his parents decided to put off all their Christmas shopping until two days after Christmas?

Way two is that people, typically, do not counter snowstorms. They're going to turn the storm around? Is the snowstorm going to be on its way and and go, "Oh, shit! People! Retreat! Retreat! They're throwing people at me! They found my one weakness!"

You don't fight the weather. It doesn't care about people. The weather does whatever it wants, and people just put up with it. You counter an insurgency. You don't counter a snowstorm.